


A Muppet Fetish isn't a sign of Good Moral Character

by glitterandlube



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-03
Updated: 2010-08-03
Packaged: 2017-10-10 22:35:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/105124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glitterandlube/pseuds/glitterandlube
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Look at the goddamn title</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Muppet Fetish isn't a sign of Good Moral Character

**Author's Note:**

  * For [eleveninches](https://archiveofourown.org/users/eleveninches/gifts), [skooziepants](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=skooziepants).



John does have an office, he just spends as little time as possible there. It makes him feel caged in to hang out there, plus it's just not as interesting as any of McKay's fifteen personal labs that he claims for himself at various times depending on whichever happens to have the coolest toys in it at the moment. Today lab five is Rodney's lab and John is eating cereal and watching Zelenka and Rodney scream at each other about fermions and bosons.

John is pretty sure they just discovered a new branch of quantum physics, but he can't really follow all the Czech/German/French/Japanese hysteria. Plus in his head, John refers to quantum physics entirely as The Made Up Branch of Science, but has never ever said that out loud because he isn't anywhere stupid enough to let that get back to Rodney, who still mentions Mensa tests in a wistful tone.

[Also, John is still banned from the office by Lorne since that time Evan walked in to grab his lucky Elmo doll (hey, stop judging! He hasn't died yet!) he had left in there an hour before to find John in see-through harem pants, a thong, and eyeliner straddling a gobsmacked Rodney McKay, who looked like he just won the International ZPM/Nobel Prize Lottery and was reaping all the awards at once.

There had been a screaming fight in front of John's pretend desk that involved the words PANTS, BLINDNESS, and BRAIN DAMAGE that dissolved into death threats, outing threats, and pointed comments about people who dated botanists not being allowed to have opinions about choices of scientists as sex toys.

The fight had ended when Rodney had stood up, put his pants back on, and yelled, "As the only man in this room to ever touch a woman, I think I am qualified to tell both of you to shut the fuck up."

They had both stared at him prissily as John snitted, "What the fuck does that mean, McKay?" looking not all that deadly with his hands on his hips when the harem pants were kind of sagging.

Rodney sighed, "It means I'm getting gayer just standing in the fucking room with both of you, and the day anyone out-bitches me is the day I collapse the whole city out of sheer spite. Lorne, get the hell out, go find Parrish, and get it out of your system. John, come here. What? Stop trying to develop laser vision with your eyes and get the hell out, Major!"

Lorne and John had glared at each other as Lorne stomped out, yelling behind him, "You're banned from here for two months!"

John had laughed at his back harshly, "You do my paperwork anyway! AND YOU CAN'T BAN ME FROM ANYWHERE, I AM YOUR SUPERIOR!" before the door slammed shut in Lorne's face. Evan had to pretend he couldn't hear Rodney screaming with laughter, and since then, the ban was strictly enforced.]

Speaking of the devil, John looks up as Lorne appears by his side. "Princess Jasmine."

"Fucker. Get me some coffee."

"Not a chance in hell, Sir."

"Do you need something or are you just trying to ruin my mood?"

"The xenobiologists are fighting with the Ceramic Physics people about something truly vile."

"You know the standard policy for dealing with arguments."

"Dr. Weir has forbidden the use of water balloons on feuding personnel after Sergeant Miller broke a spectroscope two weeks ago."

"Do you think the SGC would send over those really huge super soakers?"

"General O'Neill would probably consider it."

John nods thoughtfully before yelling, "Rodney! What did I say about hair pulling?" He sighs as he has to get up to break up a slap-fight.

The next day, when John is allowed back in the office, he brings some scented candles Teyla gives him, and changes the curtains. He doesn't like the dark blue Lorne had maybe put up. As soon as John starts making noises about a massage area, Lorne accidentally sets some of the papers on his desk on fire as a distraction. Damn if Sheppard isn't in there putting mats on the floor the next day.

"Sir, please get those out of here if you don't want to have to do your own paperwork for the rest of what will be your extremely short life."

"I'm trying to find my Chi, Major."

Lorne makes a strangling noise and silently wills the city to eat his CO. The city just blinks cheerfully at him, and coos when John pats the walls. Sometimes Lorne thinks the city is crazier than anyone who lives in it. Maybe the Ancients left out of sheer exhaustion. After the drugged out Vampire Bugs, and the Psycho Robots, and Killer Plant Life, they just decided, fuck it, Earth wasn't this bad, packed their shit and left.

Every time Lorne thinks about doing this, he remembers Paris Hilton has an album, and vows to stay to the bitter end. So what if his boss is a suicidal lunatic jackass who likes to rearrange the schedules Lorne spends hours on as a practical joke, and has disgusting role playing sex in Lorne's chair? At least he doesn't bitch when Lorne wants time off, or make comments when David runs into the office and spends 15 straight hours flinging dirt at the walls.

Lorne was always the kind of kid that had straight A's, and sat in the front row, and everyone thought was a huge nerd. That lasted all the way until he realized that he stared at other guy's asses a little more than was strictly agreed upon in the straight man's handbook, after that he got kind of sluttish, and started drawing lewd comics. There were some issues, and it was either straighten up, and join the ROTC, or become one of those people who give blowjobs in an alley for smaller amounts of money than they were actually worth.

He and the Colonel trade life stories for the rest of the day because they're bored, and it turns into a sad match of one-up-manship on the scary places that they have had sex until McKay comes in to get Sheppard and starts brandying about the words 'super slutty whore' quite a bit and threatening to tell Parrish in detail that Lorne had lied a whole lot about being "new" to the game.

The next day they have to go off world, and they have SGA-2 with them, which includes Cadman, much to John's amusement. Rodney has spent the whole trip hiding behind John's back so he can whisper things about witches.

"I don't think she's a harlot, Rodney." John looks over his shoulder at Rodney's scowling face. It probably isn't cute.

"I knew your kind would stick together." Rodney rubs his arm moodily and sniffs.

"My kind?" John raises his eyebrows.

"Yes, military. Kind. Also, evil teases. People like that stick together."

John narrows his eyes, which lead to covert hand signals, and five minutes later, John and Cadman are switching places so she can go over to Rodney, slip an arm around his waist, lean in, and ask, "So how is everything big boy?" as Rodney's eyes grow really wide and he starts shrieking like a harpy. When he gets to the part about burning red heads for good luck, John is laughing so hard, he trips over one of Lorne's boots, and collapses to the ground.

"Smooth, Sheppard." Lorne helps him up as John flails weakly. "It was totally worth it. I don't care."

Rodney makes angry gestures at the entire party. "I'm just like a clown to you, aren't I? No one even looks ashamed!"

John gasps, "Rodney! No one would ever say anything that horrible about you! Even if you do deserve it most of the time."

"Horrible, Sir?"

"I don't like clowns."

"Ah. Right, Sir." Lorne looks at the ground, he isn't laughing exactly.

Rodney eyes John, "So this is like an 'I dislike bugs' phobia or a smaller style phobia?"

"If I wake up with clowns around my bed, they will never find your ash filled corpse."

"How can I have an ash filled corpse?"

"When you're dead and I've stuffed it with all your toys I burned in front of your eyes."

"Ouch. Noted."

There is silence for awhile as everyone walks slowly and admires the utterly boring planet and lack of anything to do at all. It takes about five minutes for John to fall behind everyone to brush up against Rodney.

"Don't even."

John smiles brightly. "So tell me all about the gun you're making me."

"I'm not making you a gun."

"Yes, you are. Zelenka told me how it's going to be just like Ronon's... Oh, maybe he doesn't need your help with it."

Rodney stares at him stonily, "You are so full of shit."

"I have a birthday coming up. Come on. You've forgotten every other year!"

"Who said I forgot?"

"Why do you have to suck all the time?"

"Much for the same reason you flirt with everything, including houseplants, it's the way of my people."

"Canadians aren't rude."

"Yes, they are, once they get to know you. So consider it a sign of friendship."

"You're rude to everyone."

"Fine, I'm just more open about it. I don't have to plot in silence."

They end up meeting the Gugians, a nice people with some kind of spinning technology and an excellent thread count. Rodney makes vague noises about new sheets, and they spend the night to test them out after a quick recon that reveals nothing but large fields of maybe goats. They all sleep in a large open room, pairing up in their usual fashion, John with Rodney, Teyla with Ronon, and Cadman with Lorne; because Lorne is the only guy on SGA-2 that Cadman hasn't punched in the face for grabbing her tits.

In the middle of the night, Lorne wakes up to get some water, and in the moonlight he can see Rodney on his stomach next to John, a few inches between them, with Rodney's hand stretched over John's stomach. He snorts, they were such losers – real men cuddle. John opens one eye, "Any comments Major?"

"Why is McKay touching your stomach like that? Did he finally figure out a way to knock you up?"

John sits up, "No, god, what the hell is wrong with all of you? The male pregnancy jokes weren't funny the first time, and I am NOT gaining weight. Also, it's three in the morning--what the hell are you doing?"

"Making a bunch of noise to piss you and Ronon off."

Ronon throws a pillow with remarkably good aim despite not even looking in Lorne's direction. John starts laughing with his usual donkeys-want-to-mate-with-me noise, which wakes up pretty much everyone in the next three rooms, which leads to all out war, a soaked floor, and Rodney standing on the top of the bed yelling, "OH MY GOD IF WE GET KICKED OFF THIS PLANET BECAUSE YOU HAD A PILLOW FIGHT LIKE THE WOMEN YOU ALL ARE I AM TELLING ELIZABETH SO HELP ME GOD!" Which leads to the floor becoming more soaked when they dump a bucket of water on him.

The people in the house think they are hilarious morons, and they spend the rest of the morning detailing the various elaborate pranks they have pulled on each other, while Rodney sleeps on his crossed arms until breakfast is waved in front of his face. John pats his arm, "He's delicate."

"I might bite off your fingers next time."

"Better that than my cock."

"Sir!" Lorne stares at John appalled, while Ronon snickers into his second plate of food. All the women on this planet smile at him a lot as he eats. They find a healthy appetite a sign of good breeding stock. Women in low cut shirts keep touching Rodney's arm too, making him confused and John hostile.

Cadman starts choking on her bread until Teyla whacks her a little too hard on the back, earning the first smile out of Rodney for the day.

"Rodney, you really need to get the hell over it. I didn't do anything that terrible to you."

"Ha!"

"Come on, McKay..."

"Command her to stop speaking to me."

"What are you going to do for me?"

"You want sex ever again?" Lorne quickly felt another small piece of his soul die, not that anyone ever notices.

"I want a ray gun."

"Fine. I will build you whatever the hell you want if you forbid her to look at me, speak to me, think about me in my presence, or do anything that involves me other than killing people who wish to harm me."

"Did you get all that Cadman?" John points his three tined fork in her direction.

"Sell-out."

John grins. "At least my price is high."

"Will you be able to make these guns soon, Rodney?" Teyla looks interested in at least this part of the conversation.

"I don't know. Probably if I can dig out some free time in between John's constant need for dick, and saving every one's asses."

"You guys know you're killing my manhood here right?" Lorne glares at all of them.

"No, but I'll make sure I grab Rodney's ass a little later on to make sure it dies all the way. Someone has to re-do that fucking room the Marines wrecked, and it could use a woman's touch."

There was a slight pause as everyone carefully doesn't look at John.

"Coming from Mr. Bed Bath and Beyond, I'm not sure if that's insulting, or just ridiculous."

John sniffs, "So I have a few candles."

"Also the big sign around your neck that says, 'GOD I AM SUCH A HOMO AND I LIKE IT.' You always forget to mention the sign. Sir."

"Shut up Cadman. I can always send you home, and then you'll be bored pining away for McKay."

Both of them start yelping at that and John leans back, happy with the world at large until Rodney tips his chair over.

John yelps as he smacks the floor and he kicks out at the leg on Rodney's chair as he smiles smugly.

"Just for that we're going back to see the Hurians and you're getting a new bedspread. I might make you paint my room, you bastard."

Rodney ignores him calmly, as everyone tries to pretend their military commander isn't yelling about decorating, and Lorne silently considers a new career as a not-quite-a-goat herder on MPX-286. He stops considering when he notices one of them starting to cart off an actual human child and there is a lot of flailing and screaming that leaves John back in his chair with a bitchy look on his face, Rodney smiling widely at the thought of child maiming, and Ronon with a dead goat to take back to Atlantis.

The rest of the day goes pretty well, they talk about a possible trade alliance; Atlantis needs more blankets, and some clothing articles, the Gugia people need medication of all kinds. John is just about to trade a bottle of children's aspirin for a new duvet when a bell rings, and a bunch of the villagers jump up and take off.

"What the hell?" They all turn to stare at the village leader who starts to pontificate about the noon-day festival when the One will dress in skins and proceed to attempt with others who also dress in skins. The speech goes on for about twelve minutes while Cadman grins and grins, and Ronon starts pushing the goat corpse away with his foot.

Rodney hisses furiously at John, "Is this a planet full of furries?"

John can't answer because he is too busy wiping his hands on one of Rodney's anti-bacterial wipes because Jesus, he touched these people and god knows what he could turn into this time.

Cadman moves her hand away from her mouth long enough to elbow Lorne, and ask, "So it's about time we ran into some of your people, Sir."

"My people?"

"Well you're kind of attached to that Elmo doll."

John's head flies up, and everyone stares at Lorne, who for the first time in his life, loses it in public, and starts shouting at Cadman about privacy, and his mother's death, and a whole host of rather embarrassing things that aren't exactly related but he is finally pissed enough to share, up to and including the fact that he actually likes John. When he tapers off Ronon reaches over and smacks his shoulder in a friendly manner, knocking him into the table.

Cadman opens her mouth to apologize, but John raises his hand. "We're all going to forget everything we just heard right now. If Lorne wants to have a doll, he can have a doll. I want new shirts, so we're going to trade these ni...we're going to trade these people some Tylenol so I don't end up with a bunch of rough trade Marines. Then we're all going home, and Cadman gets to explain to Elizabeth what a furry is. Everyone agree?"

They all nod. John looks expectantly at the village leader who has his mouth hanging open. To his credit, he recovers quickly, and they are finished negotiating in about twenty minutes. Everyone grabs their packs, and they walk back to the Stargate in silence, stopping only when they hear the cry of a lone goat behind them. They all stand around grinning, trying not to laugh, but John can't help it, and they all stand there and crack up as the goat gets louder and louder. They watch it fly by, with a man struggling to hold up his pants chasing after it.

"No one say another word." John snaps on his sunglasses, and they all keep walking, maybe snickering a little bit.

"So what the hell is wrong with your galaxy anyway?" Rodney demands, turning to look back at Teyla.

"I do not know," she answers with a slightly bemused shake of her head.

They let Cadman dial the DHD after a quick rock-paper-scissors tournament, and they all stagger through to the gateroom where Ronon drops the goat on the floor with a loud crash. Chuck sticks his head over the railing and scrunches up his face. Cadman waves cheerfully and he grins and waves back. Elizabeth walks down the stairs to look at the goat, and the team who all shrug, and point to Cadman. She frowns, "Furry Planet. We're lucky they didn't try to do it with Ronon's hair. We have a goat though, and Rodney got new sheets."

Rodney holds up a package as Elizabeth asks loudly, "What's a furry?" and everyone runs towards the infirmary as Chuck's head pops back over the balcony along with the rest of the techs. She looks up at Chuck who shrugs, "I think that German guy with the limp is a furry, but we're not sure because the scientists have a different version of don't ask what sick ass thing you're into, and we won't tell what even sicker thing we're into. It seems to work out pretty well for everyone. Ma'am."

Elizabeth opens her mouth and shuts it again. She turns around and heads towards the briefing room. All she needs to hear is she will get new sheets, the rest of it will be conveniently forgotten like everything else in this galaxy.

She sits down at the table and frowns, is that a tablecloth? She really needs to have a talk with John. Out of the corner of her eye she can see Radek lurking outside, carefully pretending not to plant bugs on the wall. She rolls her eyes as she drinks her bottled water. She's up 1400 credits in the betting pool, even if they weren't all her underlings, they would be her slaves.

End!


End file.
